Every year Parents grieve in silence. They carry with them the knowledge that they have lost a child. Loss of life for a child comes in many forms that are seldom talked about; Miscarriage, Premature Labor and Stillbirth. Some say to grieving parents that wasnt a child, or that they will have other children. Neither of these are things the parent wants to hear. From the time the child was known about Parents make hopes and dreams for thier child. They see them in the future as what they will be and with love in thier hearts wait with little patiance for thier childs arrival. Only, too many are born too soon.

According to Preventing Miscarriage by Jonathan Scher, M.D., 50-60% of first pregnancys are lost to miscarriage. Making only about 1 out of every 2 pregnancies successful. According to this book, "About one in four women, in a group aged 20-40, cofessed to having had a miscarriage, and one in three hundred had sufered three or more miscarriages."

I and many women I know fall in that last catagory. Unfortantly, because my 3rd miscarriage was a Molar Pregnancy I was not offered testing to be done at that point until I was referred to a doctor who deals with high risk pregnancy. Molar Pregnancy according to Mayo Clinic Complete Book of Pregnancy & Baby's First Year is a hydatidiform mole (hydatid means "a drop of water"; mole means "a spot"). It is a realtively rare condition that occurs only in one of every 2,000 pregnancys approximatly. "In a molar pregnancy, an abnormal mass, instead of a normal embryo, forms insdie the uterus after fertilization.

Shortly after I got married to my first husband, we found out we were expecting a baby. We had only been married the week before and were very excited. I went to Planned Parenthood to be tested with my husband and best friend. When she told me it was positive I cried with joy. I had lost my mother not even a whole year before and I was empty and looking for something to fill the void left by her death. The first week of July, 1996 I went in for my first appointment. The doctor did an exam and said everything seemed to be going well. He was very nice, but I was informed the next doctor I would see would not be him. That it was the practice of thier offices for a patiant to see all the doctors since you never knew who would be delivering your baby. At this point in my life, I didnt even realize that my baby could die inside me, and I would be totally unaware.

I was scheduled to go back in for an ultrasound the 3rd week of July, just two weeks later. I was suppose to be 10 weeks at that point. When I walked into thier office that day I was filled with happiness. Something that had been really lacking in my life the year before. I practically floated into the office with high expectations in my heart. Only to soon have those expectations crushed. When they did the ultrasound, they had trouble finding the baby in the sac. When they did locate him, he was laying against the side of the sac. They had me come in for blood work to see what my HCG levels did. The doctor who did the ultrasound was very unsympathetic. She coldly informed me that the fetus was dead. I should get dressed and come make an appointment to have the sac taken from my body in a D&C procedure. That it was messy when you miscarried naturally.

I returned home in a fog. In my mind was the knowledge that my child was dead. The next week I had surgery scheduled in my doctors office. Yet, another doctor would be performing the D&C. It was scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday. On Saturday morning before my husband got home from work however, I started bleeding. I called the doctors office repeatidly only to not recieve a call back for hours. And then when I did, I was told to take a nap. When my husband got home, we went to the emergency room. I had a complete miscarriage. I went home and grieved the death of a child that my doctors didnt even consider a child.

Febuary of 1997, I found myself pregnant again. I didnt dare let my hopes get raised at this prospect. I was happy to be pregnant, though I cant say we were activly trying to get pregnant. We just didnt not try. By the first week of March, I had some bleeding. I should also mentioned I changed ob/gyn's by this time. My new doctor was much more sympathetic and much more attentive to my feelings. But again they sent me home with a bag of baby stuff after confirming my pregnancy. The doctors told me just because I had one miscarriage didnt mean I would lose this baby too. At 6 weeks I had bleeding.

I went in and had an ultrasound done at a little over 7 weeks. In the sac they could see the baby, see the heartbeat, and see that the sac was slightly torn away from the wall causing the dark blood I was finding. But because we saw a heartbeat we were reassured that this pregnancy though not out of the woods, was a keeper. I was put on bedrest for a month. At 9 weeks the baby was doing well and the doctor said that I didnt need to be on bedrest anymore. At 11 weeks we went for another ultrasound...and there was no heartbeat. I was told to give it a week before planning a D&C. That it was better for me mentally and physically to lose the baby naturally. Again I was told I could have other children. This doctor told me I didnt even have to wait to start trying.

I had a D&C 2 weeks later. I went home from the same day surgery with empty arms and an empty heart. I had lost two children and felt like I was numb inside. I wondered why God had punished me..and why he had called my angels to him. With a heavy heart I grieved for yet, another child.

I would like to add a note to all this. I am presently pregnant now, as I write this. After 3 miscarriages I didnt dare let the fears slip from my mind for one minute that this baby will be taken from this earth as well. As I create this page I am 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow. At my last doctor visit I heard "her" heartbeat and the doctor timed it to 163! Though I feel as though this may happen now, I dont dare let myself forget where I have been..or the children I have lost. I have again started to see a new doctor. He is a wonderful man who specializes in High Risk Pregnancy. Jake/Faith is due to meet us on or about December 24, 1999. I am hoping to marry "her" father Brian soon. Please, if you read this. Think a good thought that we may hold this angel in our arms soon...but not too soon.
-Sabrina